requests and invitations; NVC and OST

[Justin T. Sampson]

One thing that may be going on is that "request" as used in NVC is sometimes
a code word for "not a demand."

(And "demand" is defined simply as "I'm not willing to accept 'no' as an
answer" -- even if *worded* using request language.)

But if "request" is gentler than "demand," then "invitation" is perhaps even
gentler than "request."

Another thing that may be going on, and this is a common stumbling point
with NVC, is that a "request" given on a website cannot possibly truly
reflect an understanding of *your* feelings and needs. NVC at its best
involves actually connecting through all the levels of observations,
feelings, needs, and finally requests *based on* all of the rest; and at its
worst, involves predefining a request and abusing the language of
observations, feelings, and needs to bolster that predefined request.

Cheers,
Justin

On Tue, Dec 21, 2010 at 11:18 AM, Raffi Aftandelian <raffi_1970 at yahoo.com>wrote:

> Friends,
>
> This end-of-the-year query is directed especially to those who have some
> familiarity with Compassionate Communication/Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
> and I'd love to hear from all of you!
>
> I'm wondering what is the difference for you between a request and an
> invitation, especially in the context of cultivating inspired leadership?
>
> A little bit of context-
>
> The NVC model - as best as I currently understand it- teaches making an
> action step, making a "request" of oneself or another- following connecting
> with one (or another person's) feelings and needs (what the other person
> values). The model teaches that this connection can take place either
> verbally or nonverbally.
>
> Sometimes that action step is a request to connect, to hear more about
> where
> the other person is coming from. Sometimes that's a request for action on
> the part of the other person.
>
> What I've noticed is that when I read requests made of me- for example when
> I read materials from an official NVC website about what is "requested" of
> others before attending a workshop-- that my energy level goes way down. I
> don't feel very connected and I don't feel very motivated.
>
> Also, I've heard it said privately by another longtime passionate OST
> facilitator who is on the OSlist, that the "personal leadership piece is
> missing in OST." So, perhaps there *is* a place for requests???
>
> I've heard a tentative hypothesis by one friend of NVC (who is an
> OST-friend
> and on our list) that an invitation comes from a higher level of
> consciousness (than requests). An invitation seems to inspire, to operate
> from freedom.
>
> That makes me wonder is the practice of making a request, including a
> "connecting request" (expressing a desire to understand) comes from the
> Green Meme in Spiral Dynamics, while invitation is more of a Yellow meme
> practice? (I'm not sure framing this question this way is helpful, but just
> putting this out there to just stir the pot more).
>
> All of this is relevant for me as I co-host a biweekly NVC practice space
> (2
> hour gathering) and a bimonthly daylong NVC practice gathering. The former
> is held in a Whole Person Process Facilitation container, using OST
> principles (this means we don't call it "pure" OST-- rather there is an
> opportunity to self-connect and get to know each other a little bit and
> then
> we create the agenda and get to work, then reconvene in large circle; we're
> a group of 7-15 each time). The latter is almost pure OST-- we start with a
> short meditation for self-connection and then it's pure OST from there.
>
> An ongoing concern is how to support "integrity and competence" in NVC
> practice. We don't have any requirements (or requests)- yet!- of people who
> come in terms of skill level or knowledge before coming. And we find that
> while the space we create is great for community-building, we are unsure
> about the amount of learning that takes place. People show up - or not- as
> they see fit. People may have very limited knowledge of NVC practice
>
> And thus far, we haven't made requests of those attending, in part because
> I
> find when I imagine making requests - whether to take a course or read a
> book about NVC- that my level of energy goes down. To use a judgement word-
> it sounds like being controlling. And at the same time, I really wish for a
> practice space where we work with NVC with some level of integrity and
> competence.
>
> Any thoughts??? Auggestions? Ideas??
>
> Thanks much!
>
> happy holidays!
> warmly,
> raffi
>
> San Diego (which is not sunny, but is having record-breaking rain! San
> Seattle??)
>
> p.s. I'll be x-posting to an NVC e-group as well...
>
> *
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