requests and invitations; NVC and OST

Tue Dec 21 14:39:33 PST 2010

something to do with expectation of the demander/requester/inviter, raffi.
something to do with their certainty about what is going to happen as a
result of their req/inv.  that is, the certainty about what the other
person/people will do in response, and what i as requester/inviter will do.
a request doesn't demand, i suppose, but an invitation doesn't demand,
doesn't expect, and doesn't even know what the response could be... or what
i'll do whenever it might come.  something about an invitation wherein we
give life over to one or more others, and then we don't figure out who we
will be next until we see who they are/become.  at least that is how it
sometimes seems to me.  m

--

Michael Herman
Michael Herman Associates

http://MichaelHerman.com
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312-280-7838 (mobile)

On Tue, Dec 21, 2010 at 4:26 PM, Justin T. Sampson <justin at krasama.com>wrote:

> One thing that may be going on is that "request" as used in NVC is
> sometimes a code word for "not a demand."
>
> (And "demand" is defined simply as "I'm not willing to accept 'no' as an
> answer" -- even if *worded* using request language.)
>
> But if "request" is gentler than "demand," then "invitation" is perhaps
> even gentler than "request."
>
> Another thing that may be going on, and this is a common stumbling point
> with NVC, is that a "request" given on a website cannot possibly truly
> reflect an understanding of *your* feelings and needs. NVC at its best
> involves actually connecting through all the levels of observations,
> feelings, needs, and finally requests *based on* all of the rest; and at
> its worst, involves predefining a request and abusing the language of
> observations, feelings, and needs to bolster that predefined request.
>
> Cheers,
> Justin
>
>
> On Tue, Dec 21, 2010 at 11:18 AM, Raffi Aftandelian <raffi_1970 at yahoo.com>wrote:
>
>> Friends,
>>
>> This end-of-the-year query is directed especially to those who have some
>> familiarity with Compassionate Communication/Nonviolent Communication
>> (NVC)
>> and I'd love to hear from all of you!
>>
>> I'm wondering what is the difference for you between a request and an
>> invitation, especially in the context of cultivating inspired leadership?
>>
>> A little bit of context-
>>
>> The NVC model - as best as I currently understand it- teaches making an
>> action step, making a "request" of oneself or another- following
>> connecting
>> with one (or another person's) feelings and needs (what the other person
>> values). The model teaches that this connection can take place either
>> verbally or nonverbally.
>>
>> Sometimes that action step is a request to connect, to hear more about
>> where
>> the other person is coming from. Sometimes that's a request for action on
>> the part of the other person.
>>
>> What I've noticed is that when I read requests made of me- for example
>> when
>> I read materials from an official NVC website about what is "requested" of
>> others before attending a workshop-- that my energy level goes way down. I
>> don't feel very connected and I don't feel very motivated.
>>
>> Also, I've heard it said privately by another longtime passionate OST
>> facilitator who is on the OSlist, that the "personal leadership piece is
>> missing in OST." So, perhaps there *is* a place for requests???
>>
>> I've heard a tentative hypothesis by one friend of NVC (who is an
>> OST-friend
>> and on our list) that an invitation comes from a higher level of
>> consciousness (than requests). An invitation seems to inspire, to operate
>> from freedom.
>>
>> That makes me wonder is the practice of making a request, including a
>> "connecting request" (expressing a desire to understand) comes from the
>> Green Meme in Spiral Dynamics, while invitation is more of a Yellow meme
>> practice? (I'm not sure framing this question this way is helpful, but
>> just
>> putting this out there to just stir the pot more).
>>
>> All of this is relevant for me as I co-host a biweekly NVC practice space
>> (2
>> hour gathering) and a bimonthly daylong NVC practice gathering. The former
>> is held in a Whole Person Process Facilitation container, using OST
>> principles (this means we don't call it "pure" OST-- rather there is an
>> opportunity to self-connect and get to know each other a little bit and
>> then
>> we create the agenda and get to work, then reconvene in large circle;
>> we're
>> a group of 7-15 each time). The latter is almost pure OST-- we start with
>> a
>> short meditation for self-connection and then it's pure OST from there.
>>
>> An ongoing concern is how to support "integrity and competence" in NVC
>> practice. We don't have any requirements (or requests)- yet!- of people
>> who
>> come in terms of skill level or knowledge before coming. And we find that
>> while the space we create is great for community-building, we are unsure
>> about the amount of learning that takes place. People show up - or not- as
>> they see fit. People may have very limited knowledge of NVC practice
>>
>> And thus far, we haven't made requests of those attending, in part because
>> I
>> find when I imagine making requests - whether to take a course or read a
>> book about NVC- that my level of energy goes down. To use a judgement
>> word-
>> it sounds like being controlling. And at the same time, I really wish for
>> a
>> practice space where we work with NVC with some level of integrity and
>> competence.
>>
>> Any thoughts??? Auggestions? Ideas??
>>
>> Thanks much!
>>
>> happy holidays!
>> warmly,
>> raffi
>>
>> San Diego (which is not sunny, but is having record-breaking rain! San
>> Seattle??)
>>
>> p.s. I'll be x-posting to an NVC e-group as well...
>>
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