One thing that may be going on is that "request" as used in NVC is sometimes a code word for "not a demand."<div><br></div><div>(And "demand" is defined simply as "I'm not willing to accept 'no' as an answer" -- even if <i>worded</i> using request language.)</div>
<div><br></div><div>But if "request" is gentler than "demand," then "invitation" is perhaps even gentler than "request."</div><div><br></div><div>Another thing that may be going on, and this is a common stumbling point with NVC, is that a "request" given on a website cannot possibly truly reflect an understanding of <i>your</i> feelings and needs. NVC at its best involves actually connecting through all the levels of observations, feelings, needs, and finally requests <i>based on</i> all of the rest; and at its worst, involves predefining a request and abusing the language of observations, feelings, and needs to bolster that predefined request.</div>
<div><br></div><div>Cheers,</div><div>Justin<br><br><div class="gmail_quote">On Tue, Dec 21, 2010 at 11:18 AM, Raffi Aftandelian <span dir="ltr"><<a href="mailto:raffi_1970@yahoo.com">raffi_1970@yahoo.com</a>></span> wrote:<br>
<blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0 0 0 .8ex;border-left:1px #ccc solid;padding-left:1ex;">Friends,<br>
<br>
This end-of-the-year query is directed especially to those who have some<br>
familiarity with Compassionate Communication/Nonviolent Communication (NVC)<br>
and I'd love to hear from all of you!<br>
<br>
I'm wondering what is the difference for you between a request and an<br>
invitation, especially in the context of cultivating inspired leadership?<br>
<br>
A little bit of context-<br>
<br>
The NVC model - as best as I currently understand it- teaches making an<br>
action step, making a "request" of oneself or another- following connecting<br>
with one (or another person's) feelings and needs (what the other person<br>
values). The model teaches that this connection can take place either<br>
verbally or nonverbally.<br>
<br>
Sometimes that action step is a request to connect, to hear more about where<br>
the other person is coming from. Sometimes that's a request for action on<br>
the part of the other person.<br>
<br>
What I've noticed is that when I read requests made of me- for example when<br>
I read materials from an official NVC website about what is "requested" of<br>
others before attending a workshop-- that my energy level goes way down. I<br>
don't feel very connected and I don't feel very motivated.<br>
<br>
Also, I've heard it said privately by another longtime passionate OST<br>
facilitator who is on the OSlist, that the "personal leadership piece is<br>
missing in OST." So, perhaps there *is* a place for requests???<br>
<br>
I've heard a tentative hypothesis by one friend of NVC (who is an OST-friend<br>
and on our list) that an invitation comes from a higher level of<br>
consciousness (than requests). An invitation seems to inspire, to operate<br>
from freedom.<br>
<br>
That makes me wonder is the practice of making a request, including a<br>
"connecting request" (expressing a desire to understand) comes from the<br>
Green Meme in Spiral Dynamics, while invitation is more of a Yellow meme<br>
practice? (I'm not sure framing this question this way is helpful, but just<br>
putting this out there to just stir the pot more).<br>
<br>
All of this is relevant for me as I co-host a biweekly NVC practice space (2<br>
hour gathering) and a bimonthly daylong NVC practice gathering. The former<br>
is held in a Whole Person Process Facilitation container, using OST<br>
principles (this means we don't call it "pure" OST-- rather there is an<br>
opportunity to self-connect and get to know each other a little bit and then<br>
we create the agenda and get to work, then reconvene in large circle; we're<br>
a group of 7-15 each time). The latter is almost pure OST-- we start with a<br>
short meditation for self-connection and then it's pure OST from there.<br>
<br>
An ongoing concern is how to support "integrity and competence" in NVC<br>
practice. We don't have any requirements (or requests)- yet!- of people who<br>
come in terms of skill level or knowledge before coming. And we find that<br>
while the space we create is great for community-building, we are unsure<br>
about the amount of learning that takes place. People show up - or not- as<br>
they see fit. People may have very limited knowledge of NVC practice<br>
<br>
And thus far, we haven't made requests of those attending, in part because I<br>
find when I imagine making requests - whether to take a course or read a<br>
book about NVC- that my level of energy goes down. To use a judgement word-<br>
it sounds like being controlling. And at the same time, I really wish for a<br>
practice space where we work with NVC with some level of integrity and<br>
competence.<br>
<br>
Any thoughts??? Auggestions? Ideas??<br>
<br>
Thanks much!<br>
<br>
happy holidays!<br>
warmly,<br>
raffi<br>
<br>
San Diego (which is not sunny, but is having record-breaking rain! San<br>
Seattle??)<br>
<br>
p.s. I'll be x-posting to an NVC e-group as well...<br>
<br>
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