[OSList] The Joys of Grief -- With Thanks to Harold

Tonnie van der Zouwen info at tonnievanderzouwen.nl
Mon Dec 3 06:04:21 PST 2012


Suzanne, thank you for sharing this special story. Wonderful, it helps me
once again to stand up and shine.

 

Harrison, congratulations with your birthday. Wish you a very good next year
and many more to come.

 

Tonnie

 

Van: oslist-bounces at lists.openspacetech.org
[mailto:oslist-bounces at lists.openspacetech.org] Namens Suzanne Daigle
Verzonden: zondag 2 december 2012 20:22
Aan: World wide Open Space Technology email list
Onderwerp: Re: [OSList] The Joys of Grief -- With Thanks to Harold

 

A special Happy Birthday wish with a story that says:  “Don’t judge a book
by its cover!”

December 2nd is a special day for someone we know.  It’s Harrison’s birthday
and we are all very grateful that he popped into this world on this little
ole planet of ours, if only to remind us all how wonderfully precious life
is and how much there is to enjoy in the doing and non-doing, moment by
moment, in wonder and in awe of it all. 

Open Space Technology has been a great gift to so many, opening  up spaces
inside ourselves and with others, spaces where people can come together to
make a difference – in our families, our communities, in countries and in
the world. Unbelievable what happens by simply sitting in a circle, united
on something we care about, with a law and a few principles which are really
just the laws of nature and life!  Magic happens every time.  The experience
is unique and predictable, joyous and intense, always generative, purposeful
and creative. 

No gift big enough, no birthday wish loud enough to express the gratitude we
feel for this great life gift that Open Space has been for all of us around
the world.

So on this anniversary date, a day when we want to say a heartfelt Happy
Birthday to our dear friend Harrison,  I offer this paying it forward
Birthday Story as a gift hoping it will invite a “ heartfelt conversation”
that people can have with their dads not even waiting for a birthday day – a
conversation I can now only have in spirit.  

Many of you know this already because I have spoken of this coincidence
before. My late father and Harrison share the same birthdate and same
penchant for gin martinis.  Before he died, my French Canadian dad read A
User Guide to Open Space Technology in Italian, a language that he had been
teaching himself. He loved the book and we had some good chats and quite a
few arguments about it too.

Today something happened; a bit of synchronicity that brings a touch of
sadness and joy to my day. It’s something I wanted to share with all of you
knowing that in the vulnerability of my story, it may bring you closer to
people in your life. 

About 8 to 10 years ago, my dad sent me a book titled: Machiavelli for Women
by Harriet Rubin.  Wikipedia describes Machiavellianism (or machiavellian
mask) is, according to the
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxford_English_Dictionary> Oxford English
Dictionary, "the employment of cunning and
<http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/duplicity> duplicity in statecraft or in
general conduct", deriving from the
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Italian_Renaissance> Italian Renaissance
diplomat and writer  <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Niccol%C3%B2_Machiavelli>
Niccolò Machiavelli, who wrote  <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Prince> Il
Principe (The Prince) and other works. The word has a similar use in modern
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology> psychology where it describes one
of the  <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad> dark triad personalities,
characterised by a duplicitous interpersonal style associated with
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cynicism_%28contemporary%29> cynical beliefs
and pragmatic morality.

I was hurt when I got this book in the mail from dad.  I did not read it or
even mention a word about it; simply stuffed it in the back of a giant
bookshelf in my garage.  I should have known to never judge a book by its
cover.  

 Like many children I had a conflicted relationship with my dad. As a
medical doctor who loved science and his profession, he found little use for
the mega corporations of this world. In his eyes, they were the arch enemy.
Working in manufacturing and corporate leadership, I often felt that I bore
the brunt of all that was wrong with corporate politics, that I myself was
too manipulatory, too nice and too controlling – the stuff that I then felt
was good leadership and management.  Dad often felt outrage at what he saw
and so often, he wanted me to join his  fight if only in words. It was not
my way. And yet, I shared his views on many issues while still seeing the
great stuff that happens in the workplace. 

When Open Space came into my life, it was a veritable tsunami, hugely
transformative, painful at times though more often joyful.  It also got me a
relationship with my dad. I can only imagine the conversations we would have
today as I step into a bigger calling of leadership with others more and
more. 

So the point of my story is that this book was not an endorsement of
Machiavellian ways, it was an acknowledgement by my dad of the high regard
he had for me and what he saw was possible when women and others step into
their leadership, one that is not about war and power, fighting and winning.
Quite the contrary. The stories, the quotes, the leaders are inspiring in
the way of the Open Space work that we do.  

On this special birthday day, I quote this passage on page 20 from Harriet
Rubin’s book that came from Nelson Mandela’s inaugural speech which I
interpret was also my dad’s message to me and the message that Harrison
conveys to us in this community, time and time again:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we
are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, our darkness, that most
frighten us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented, and fabulous? Actually who are you not to be?... Your playing
small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  And as we let our own
light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

In closing, I add this last tidbit.  After reading the first few chapters of
this fateful book, I started fanning the pages, stopping when I suddenly
recognized my dad’s handwriting.  Under the chapter heading “On the use of
Men as Weapons”, my father had scrawled these words in brackets (Except your
dad).   It was the only page on which he had written anything.  Needless to
say, tears poured down my face. 

And in the end, on this special birthday day, I know it’s the universe
telling me and us once again to be opening space everywhere and anywhere,
all the time!   Otherwise, we will be limited to judging a book by its
cover, never knowing the greatness of others and what we can do together. 

So Harrison, expect a Birthday Hug in Florida at WOSonOS 2013 if I don't see
you before then.

Suzanne

 

On Sat, Dec 1, 2012 at 11:32 PM, Christy Lee-Engel <cdleee at gmail.com> wrote:

Dear HO and Harold and all,

 

Oh, yes. 

 

This vividly reminds me of the first real Open Space I ever came to: the
Practice of Peace at the Whidbey Institute in 2003. Tova Averbuch and Chris
Corrigan offered a session called Grief as an Act of Peacemaking; Grief in
the Facilitator. I recall Tova speaking at the end about a light net
(bright, and also not heavy) (of relationships and connections) that holds
and supports us in as we go through the grief process.

(here are the notes for that session:
http://pop.bigmindcatalyst.com/cgi/bmc.pl?node=5541
<http://pop.bigmindcatalyst.com/cgi/bmc.pl?node=5541&range=first>
&range=first)

(and here's the conference site in general:
http://pop.bigmindcatalyst.com/cgi/bmc.pl?node=1)

 

Our time together during those few days seemed to me to be especially
intense, and maybe that happened partly because it brought together so many
people who were living in and opening space in places of high conflict. Many
sessions touched on and explored great sorrow and pain and seemingly
unbridgeable differences; others unfolded into profound sweetness,
connection, humor, joy; and (of course!) a lot of them contained all of the
above.

 

Harrison, you write "To the extent that OST is self-organization at work, it
is equally and also Grief Work at work." and I experience that as true. And
I also experience it as Joy Work and Anger Work and Fear Work and Gratitude
Work and etc, etc - all the deep emotions, as Harold pointed out. When the
space is open and held, then we all get to have our whole full experiences
of whatever it is, whenever it is, wherever it is. In particular, the
griefwork scours us and tenderizes us, and somehow helps us to bear the
poignancy of being alive. Or Something Like That. ;-)

 

And, oh, a tiny bit early Happy Birthday, Harrison!

(somehow I think you will appreciate the surprise harmony of sending happy
birthday blessings attached to this particular topic!) 

 

thanks and love, Christy


Christy Lee-Engel, ND, LAc

Director, Bastyr University Center for Spirituality, Science, and Medicine
<https://www.facebook.com/BastyrSpiritualityScienceMedicine> 

Acupuncture and Naturopathic Medicine practice:
<http://corechiropracticseattle.com/> Core Chiropractic and Wellness

clinic: 206.708.7172
cell: 206.399.0868

 

"Throw yourself completely into the aliveness of your life. It's pretty
risky. You could lose yourself. There's nothing to hold onto." - Yun-men

 

On Sat, Nov 24, 2012 at 8:44 AM, Harrison Owen <hhowen at verizon.net> wrote:

Harold – the best part of your message came at the end, and for me it was
the most important therefore deserving its own special note
 Something about
the “Joys of Grief.”

 

Harold said: “As you said in Wave Rider, OST has a deep connection to the
grieving process that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described as a part of facing
death. Which for me is fascinating given how much joy I always experience -
but it is almost always accompanied other deep emotions as well.”

 

You have put your finger on an important point, which may seem paradoxical
or even contradictory, but really is neither. The truth is, grieving (or
more properly The Grief Work Process) is fundamentally joyful, even
triumphant, at least that is the intent which is realized only when the
process comes to completion. Simply put, it is the way we as human beings
move from loss to renewal, from ending to new beginning, from the encounter
with death to the experience of new life. Of course, if the process is
aborted along the way, the final results are inevitably dismal and painful. 

 

Obviously what I have said above can be viewed a total nonsense, or worse,
but stick with me, and I think I can get you there
 But first something
about the connection to Open Space. It will come as no surprise that I find
Open Space to be nothing more than self organization at work. In a word,
Open Space works because self organization works. And, self organization is
itself a process.

 

The process of self organization can be described in infinite, complex
detail, but reduced to essentials, the steps are as follows: Order, Chaos,
New and more complex order. It goes like this. Once upon a time there was
this organization, a fine human system that lived a comfortable productive
life. All seemed right with the world, but one day that world changed, and
what was once a comfortable fit became increasingly challenging. The poor
organization did all that it could, going this way and that -- seeking a
path. But to no avail – and comfortable order dissolved into PAINFUL chaos.
But there is, or at least there can be a next chapter. Through the alchemy
of self organization new and more complex order appears, and life goes on.
But the question abides. How do we get from here to there? How do we deal
with the pain? The answer, I think, is the Grief Work Process.

 

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross made history when she identified and described the
essential steps we all go through in the face of Death, our own or that of
another. In my work it became clear that groups of people (organizations) go
through exactly the same process when faced with ending. And that ending can
come in all sorts of flavors: the end of a project, the end of a way of
life, the ending of a company – but the response is identical in all
situations. At the moment of ending, which I have characterized as an “Oh
Shit Moment,” there is Shock and Anger. This is followed by Denial, then
Memories (Stories of how it used to be), Despair – the bitter/sweet instant
of letting it all go. Then we come to Open Space, intense silence with
nothing there and everything potential. The process comes to an end when two
magic words are spoken, “I wonder if
” I wonder if I/we can build a new
company, find a new career, meet a new life partner. When wonder and
imagination come together, there you have Vision, and the cycle is complete.

 

Obviously I have covered a lot of territory with very few details. If you
want more check out my book “Wave Rider.” But hopefully I have said enough
so that at the least you get the function and flavor of Grief Work. To be
sure, it begins at a very painful moment, but the end of the story is all
about joy. Functionally, Griefwork is the means by which we as human beings
navigate the painful parts of self-organization. Things end, and that is
always painful. But when they re-organize (self-organize) life goes on, and
Griefwork gets us there. I find it to be hardwired into our humanity. We
don’t have to think about it at all – works all by itself. Each step is
necessary, and none can be skipped, no matter how much we might like to move
directly from ending to new beginning.

 

Another way of looking at Grief Work – It is what human self-organizing
systems do as a major part of the adaptive process. And here is the
connection to Open Space Technology: To the extent that OST is
self-organization at work, it is equally and also Grief Work at work.
Knowing this, and being acutely sensitive to what is going on, can be
extraordinarily helpful to our understanding of what is happening with our
clients, and what they may be doing/saying/manifesting during the time in
Open Space. 

 

A related factor is that Griefwork, like all other aspects of self
organization, function best when there is sufficient time/space (open space)
to move around in. Things shut down when arbitrary control is imposed – and
that is sadly what happens often in the everyday world of organizations.
Most obviously, nobody wants to talk about dying/ending. And those who do
are often viewed as strange, weird, pessimists, or macabre. Definitely a
no-no! And when there is such conversation it can only be entered into under
controlled circumstance – quietly and in moderation. Is it any wonder then
that when space is suddenly opened, the unspeakable is spoken? That Open
Space is so often experienced as an amazing passage from controlled silence
to serious Joy?

 

Thank you Harold for surfacing a critical element in our “practice.” As we
move along from beginnings, to middles 
 and ask ourselves about What Nexts?
– I would believe that we have the details of the process (OST) down pretty
well, AND I know there are vast areas to explore and understand.

 

Harrison

 

 

 

 

 

Harrison Owen

7808 River Falls Dr.

Potomac, MD 20854

USA

 

189 Beaucaire Ave. (summer)

Camden, Maine 20854

 

Phone 301-365-2093

(summer)  207-763-3261

 

www.openspaceworld.com <http://www.openspaceworld.com%20>  

www.ho-image.com <http://www.ho-image.com%20>  (Personal Website)

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-- 
Suzanne Daigle
NuFocus Strategic Group
7159 Victoria Circle
University Park, FL 34201
FL 941-359-8877;  
CT 203-722-2009
www.nufocusgroup.com
s.daigle at nufocusgroup.com
twitter @suzannedaigle

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