[OSList] The Joys of Grief -- With Thanks to Harold

[Christy Lee-Engel]

Dear Suzanne,

Happy birthday to your dad, and to you as you keep his memory warm and
brightly lit. Thank you for sharing your story of intertwined grief and
joy. I am especially touched to be with you in my imagination as you
discover your dad's presence and love in the little note he wrote for you
to find, today on his birthday, as you opened yourself to share with
friends a treasure he gave you.

It's written that during spiritual teacher Sri Ramana Maharshi's final
illness, he said to his grieving disciples, "*They say I am dying, but I am
not going away: where would I go? I am here.*"

love, Christy


On Sun, Dec 2, 2012 at 11:21 AM, Suzanne Daigle <sdaigle4 at gmail.com> wrote:

> A special Happy Birthday wish with a story that says:  “Don’t judge a
> book by its cover!”
>
> December 2nd is a special day for someone we know.  It’s Harrison’s
> birthday and we are all very grateful that he popped into this world on
> this little ole planet of ours, if only to remind us all how wonderfully
> precious life is and how much there is to enjoy in the doing and non-doing,
> moment by moment, in wonder and in awe of it all.
>
> Open Space Technology has been a great gift to so many, opening  up
> spaces inside ourselves and with others, spaces where people can come
> together to make a difference – in our families, our communities, in
> countries and in the world. Unbelievable what happens by simply sitting in
> a circle, united on something we care about, with a law and a few
> principles which are really just the laws of nature and life!  Magic
> happens every time.  The experience is unique and predictable, joyous and
> intense, always generative, purposeful and creative.
>
> No gift big enough, no birthday wish loud enough to express the gratitude
> we feel for this great life gift that Open Space has been for all of us
> around the world.
>
> So on this anniversary date, a day when we want to say a heartfelt Happy
> Birthday to our dear friend Harrison,  I offer this paying it forward
> Birthday Story as a gift hoping it will invite a “ heartfelt conversation”
> that people can have with their dads not even waiting for a birthday day –
> a conversation I can now only have in spirit.
>
> Many of you know this already because I have spoken of this coincidence
> before. *My late father and Harrison share the same birthdate* and same
> penchant for gin martinis.  Before he died, my French Canadian dad read *A
> User Guide to Open Space Technology* in Italian, a language that he had
> been teaching himself. He loved the book and we had some good chats and
> quite a few arguments about it too.
>
> Today something happened; a bit of synchronicity that brings a touch of
> sadness and joy to my day. It’s something I wanted to share with all of you
> knowing that in the vulnerability of my story, it may bring you closer to
> people in your life.
>
> About 8 to 10 years ago, my dad sent me a book titled: *Machiavelli for
> Women *by Harriet Rubin.  Wikipedia describes *Machiavellianism* (or *machiavellian
> mask*) is, according to the Oxford English Dictionary<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxford_English_Dictionary>,
> "the employment of cunning and duplicity<http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/duplicity>in statecraft or in general conduct", deriving from the Italian
> Renaissance <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Italian_Renaissance> diplomat
> and writer Niccolò Machiavelli<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Niccol%C3%B2_Machiavelli>,
> who wrote Il Principe <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Prince> (The
> Prince) and other works. The word has a similar use in modern psychology<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology>where it describes one of the dark
> triad <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad> personalities,
> characterised by a duplicitous interpersonal style associated with cynical<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cynicism_%28contemporary%29>beliefs and pragmatic morality.
>
> I was hurt when I got this book in the mail from dad.  I did not read it
> or even mention a word about it; simply stuffed it in the back of a giant
> bookshelf in my garage*.  I should have known to never judge a book by
> its cover.  *
>
>  Like many children I had a conflicted relationship with my dad. As a
> medical doctor who loved science and his profession, he found little use
> for the mega corporations of this world. In his eyes, they were the arch
> enemy. Working in manufacturing and corporate leadership, I often felt that
> I bore the brunt of all that was wrong with corporate politics, that I
> myself was too manipulatory, too nice and too controlling – the stuff that
> I then felt was good leadership and management.  Dad often felt outrage
> at what he saw and so often, he wanted me to join his  fight if only in
> words. It was not my way. And yet, I shared his views on many issues while
> still seeing the great stuff that happens in the workplace.
>
> When Open Space came into my life, it was a veritable tsunami, hugely
> transformative, painful at times though more often joyful.  It also got
> me a relationship with my dad. I can only imagine the conversations we
> would have today as I step into a bigger calling of leadership with others
> more and more.
>
> So the point of my story is that this book was not an endorsement of
> Machiavellian ways, it was an acknowledgement by my dad of the high regard
> he had for me and what he saw was possible when women and others step into
> their leadership, one that is not about war and power, fighting and
> winning. Quite the contrary. The stories, the quotes, the leaders are
> inspiring in the way of the Open Space work that we do.
>
> On this special birthday day, I quote this passage on page 20 from Harriet
> Rubin’s book that came from Nelson Mandela’s inaugural speech which I
> interpret was also my dad’s message to me and the message that Harrison
> conveys to us in this community, time and time again:
>
> “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that
> we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, our darkness, that most
> frighten us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
> talented, and fabulous? Actually who are you not to be?... Your playing
> small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
> so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  And as we let our
> own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the
> same.”
>
> In closing, I add this last tidbit.  After reading the first few chapters
> of this fateful book, I started fanning the pages, stopping when I suddenly
> recognized my dad’s handwriting.  Under the chapter heading “*On the use
> of Men as Weapons*”, my father had scrawled these words in brackets *(Except
> your dad).*   It was the only page on which he had written anything.  Needless
> to say, tears poured down my face.
>
> And in the end, on this special birthday day, I know it’s the universe
> telling me and us once again to be opening space everywhere and anywhere,
> all the time!   Otherwise, we will be limited to judging a book by its
> cover, never knowing the greatness of others and what we can do together.
>
> So Harrison, expect a Birthday Hug in Florida at WOSonOS 2013 if I don't
> see you before then.
>
> Suzanne
>
>
> On Sat, Dec 1, 2012 at 11:32 PM, Christy Lee-Engel <cdleee at gmail.com>wrote:
>
>> Dear HO and Harold and all,
>>
>> Oh, yes.
>>
>> This vividly reminds me of the first real Open Space I ever came to: the
>> Practice of Peace at the Whidbey Institute in 2003. Tova Averbuch and Chris
>> Corrigan offered a session called Grief as an Act of Peacemaking; Grief in
>> the Facilitator. I recall Tova speaking at the end about a light net
>> (bright, and also not heavy) (of relationships and connections) that holds
>> and supports us in as we go through the grief process.
>> (here are the notes for that session:
>> http://pop.bigmindcatalyst.com/cgi/bmc.pl?node=5541&range=first)
>> (and here's the conference site in general:
>> http://pop.bigmindcatalyst.com/cgi/bmc.pl?node=1)
>>
>> Our time together during those few days seemed to me to be especially
>> intense, and maybe that happened partly because it brought together so
>> many people who were living in and opening space in places of high
>> conflict. Many sessions touched on and explored great sorrow and pain and
>> seemingly unbridgeable differences; others unfolded into profound
>> sweetness, connection, humor, joy; and (of course!) a lot of them contained
>> all of the above.
>>
>> Harrison, you write "To the extent that OST is self-organization at
>> work, it is equally and also Grief Work at work." and I experience that
>> as true. And I also experience it as Joy Work and Anger Work and Fear Work
>> and Gratitude Work and etc, etc - all the deep emotions, as Harold pointed
>> out. When the space is open and held, then we all get to have our whole
>> full experiences of whatever it is, whenever it is, wherever it is. In
>> particular, the griefwork scours us and tenderizes us, and somehow helps us
>> to bear the poignancy of being alive. Or Something Like That. ;-)
>>
>> And, oh, a tiny bit early *Happy Birthday, Harrison!*
>> (somehow I think you will appreciate the surprise harmony of sending
>> happy birthday blessings attached to this particular topic!)
>>
>> thanks and love, Christy
>>
>> Christy Lee-Engel, ND, LAc
>> Director, Bastyr University Center for Spirituality, Science, and
>> Medicine <https://www.facebook.com/BastyrSpiritualityScienceMedicine>
>> Acupuncture and Naturopathic Medicine practice: Core Chiropractic and
>> Wellness <http://corechiropracticseattle.com/>
>> clinic: 206.708.7172
>> cell: 206.399.0868
>> *
>>
>>
>> "Throw yourself completely into the aliveness of your life. It's pretty
>> risky. You could lose yourself. There's nothing to hold onto." - Yun-men
>> *
>>
>>
>> On Sat, Nov 24, 2012 at 8:44 AM, Harrison Owen <hhowen at verizon.net>wrote:
>>
>>> Harold – the best part of your message came at the end, and for me it
>>> was the most important therefore deserving its own special note… Something
>>> about the “Joys of Grief.”****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> Harold said: “As you said in Wave Rider, OST has a deep connection to
>>> the grieving process that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described as a part of
>>> facing death. Which for me is fascinating given how much joy I always
>>> experience - but it is almost always accompanied other deep emotions as
>>> well.”****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> You have put your finger on an important point, which may seem
>>> paradoxical or even contradictory, but really is neither. The truth is,
>>> grieving (or more properly The Grief Work Process) is fundamentally joyful,
>>> even triumphant, at least that is the intent which is realized only when
>>> the process comes to completion. Simply put, it is the way we as human
>>> beings move from loss to renewal, from ending to new beginning, from the
>>> encounter with death to the experience of new life. Of course, if the
>>> process is aborted along the way, the final results are inevitably dismal
>>> and painful. ****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> Obviously what I have said above can be viewed a total nonsense, or
>>> worse, but stick with me, and I think I can get you there… But first
>>> something about the connection to Open Space. It will come as no surprise
>>> that I find Open Space to be nothing more than self organization at work.
>>> In a word, Open Space works because self organization works. And, self
>>> organization is itself a process.****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> The process of self organization can be described in infinite, complex
>>> detail, but reduced to essentials, the steps are as follows: Order, Chaos,
>>> New and more complex order. It goes like this. Once upon a time there was
>>> this organization, a fine human system that lived a comfortable productive
>>> life. All seemed right with the world, but one day that world changed, and
>>> what was once a comfortable fit became increasingly challenging. The poor
>>> organization did all that it could, going this way and that -- seeking a
>>> path. But to no avail – and comfortable order dissolved into PAINFUL chaos.
>>> But there is, or at least there can be a next chapter. Through the alchemy
>>> of self organization new and more complex order appears, and life goes on.
>>> But the question abides. How do we get from here to there? How do we deal
>>> with the pain? The answer, I think, is the Grief Work Process.****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> Elisabeth Kübler-Ross made history when she identified and described the
>>> essential steps we all go through in the face of Death, our own or that of
>>> another. In my work it became clear that groups of people (organizations)
>>> go through exactly the same process when faced with ending. And that ending
>>> can come in all sorts of flavors: the end of a project, the end of a way of
>>> life, the ending of a company – but the response is identical in all
>>> situations. At the moment of ending, which I have characterized as an “Oh
>>> Shit Moment,” there is Shock and Anger. This is followed by Denial, then
>>> Memories (Stories of how it used to be), Despair – the bitter/sweet instant
>>> of letting it all go. Then we come to Open Space, intense silence with
>>> nothing there and everything potential. The process comes to an end when
>>> two magic words are spoken, “I wonder if…” I wonder if I/we can build a new
>>> company, find a new career, meet a new life partner. When wonder and
>>> imagination come together, there you have Vision, and the cycle is complete.
>>> ****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> Obviously I have covered a lot of territory with very few details. If
>>> you want more check out my book “Wave Rider.” But hopefully I have said
>>> enough so that at the least you get the function and flavor of Grief Work.
>>> To be sure, it begins at a very painful moment, but the end of the story is
>>> all about joy. Functionally, Griefwork is the means by which we as human
>>> beings navigate the painful parts of self-organization. Things end, and
>>> that is always painful. But when they re-organize (self-organize) life goes
>>> on, and Griefwork gets us there. I find it to be hardwired into our
>>> humanity. We don’t have to think about it at all – works all by itself.
>>> Each step is necessary, and none can be skipped, no matter how much we
>>> might like to move directly from ending to new beginning.****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> Another way of looking at Grief Work – It is what human self-organizing
>>> systems do as a major part of the adaptive process. And here is the
>>> connection to Open Space Technology: To the extent that OST is
>>> self-organization at work, it is equally and also Grief Work at work.
>>> Knowing this, and being acutely sensitive to what is going on, can be
>>> extraordinarily helpful to our understanding of what is happening with our
>>> clients, and what they may be doing/saying/manifesting during the time in
>>> Open Space. ****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> A related factor is that Griefwork, like all other aspects of self
>>> organization, function best when there is sufficient time/space (open
>>> space) to move around in. Things shut down when arbitrary control is
>>> imposed – and that is sadly what happens often in the everyday world of
>>> organizations. Most obviously, nobody wants to talk about dying/ending. And
>>> those who do are often viewed as strange, weird, pessimists, or macabre.
>>> Definitely a no-no! And when there is such conversation it can only be
>>> entered into under controlled circumstance – quietly and in moderation. Is
>>> it any wonder then that when space is suddenly opened, the unspeakable is
>>> spoken? That Open Space is so often experienced as an amazing passage from
>>> controlled silence to serious Joy?****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> Thank you Harold for surfacing a critical element in our “practice.” As
>>> we move along from beginnings, to middles … and ask ourselves about What
>>> Nexts? – I would believe that we have the details of the process (OST) down
>>> pretty well, AND I know there are vast areas to explore and understand.*
>>> ***
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> Harrison****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> Harrison Owen****
>>>
>>> 7808 River Falls Dr.****
>>>
>>> Potomac, MD 20854****
>>>
>>> USA****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> 189 Beaucaire Ave. (summer)****
>>>
>>> Camden, Maine 20854****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> Phone 301-365-2093****
>>>
>>> (summer)  207-763-3261****
>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> www.openspaceworld.com <http://www.openspaceworld.com%20> ****
>>>
>>> www.ho-image.com <http://www.ho-image.com%20> (Personal Website)****
>>>
>>> To subscribe, unsubscribe, change your options, view the archives of
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>>>
>>> ** **
>>>
>>> _______________________________________________
>>>
>>
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