A Quiet Time

Diane Brandon diane.brandon at comcast.net
Sun Mar 5 02:40:28 PST 2006


(I sent this first just to Birgitt, but decided to revise it a bit and 
send it to the full list.)

That's a good story, Birgitt! Thanks.

I was reminded of sitting in a talking circle on the Navajo reservation 
in the mid-80s. We spent a long full day and evening there, with very 
patient listening to all, much of it in Navajo, so I couldn't 
understand the words, but loved the sounds. Our children were drawn 
into service helping to build a shade house, while younger children 
played, some people cooked, some took naps.... It was a really good day 
for me, a sunny June day, and I remember it well. I felt close, and in 
community - but no hand holding or "instant warm fuzzies" happened. 
There was a lot of dignity, along with great openness and deep caring 
about the One, the All, the Whole.

As a member of the 60s revolutions, I experienced a fair amount of 
experimenting with being free of restrictions, hugging a lot, communal 
living, etc.  I also was part of the homebirthing movement of the 
60s/70s (our three kids were born at home, as were our 3 grandkids), 
and one of the books we read back then was "Touching" by Ashley 
Montague, an anthropologist. The touching of birthing, helping each 
other birth, nursing babies -- that was profoundly satisfying. I think 
the author talked about that satisfaction, and that our hospital, 
mechanized birthing ways had given many of us skin-hunger, because we 
had low-touch births, bottle feeding, etc. (It's been 20-30 years since 
I read the book, so maybe I'm making up those points, but I think that 
was the message.)

Today I've been reading The Careless Society by John McKnight. He talks 
about the destructive professionalizing what used to be based on 
family, neighborhood, community. I think that lacking those, where 
touch is natural (where we know people well, and touch is part of 
working and playing together), we may program touching into "peace" 
events with strangers, because we want the closeness of community, and 
there aren't many places to experience it..... but then those 
gatherings may create energy that is happily expressed in hugging. (OK, 
someone has to say it -- "different strokes for different folks!")

My favorite kind of touch these days, in addition to daily touch of all 
sorts with my husband, is holding my grandkids in my lap to read them 
stories. One of them rubs my arm very gently while I read to him (he's 
6), because he loves the feel of soft skin. Little chubby child hands, 
trusting grandma! Such a pleasure!

I sometimes enjoy little touches with people I don't know well -- I 
like the way Persian women touch cheeks on both sides, rather than body 
hugging -- and I'm rarely offended by a hug, even if not meaning much. 
But I like that memory of the Navajos, so close all day, great deep 
feeling intimacy of spirit, but no hugs.

Diane


On Mar 4, 2006, at 12:20 PM, Birgitt Williams wrote:

>
> From my perspective, this topic of touching cannot be looked at from 
> the perspective of the facilitator’s needs, wants and motivation(s) 
> for outcome in a meeting. I encourage facilitators to look at their 
> needs, wants, and motivations for a meeting so that they each can 
> figure out for themselves whether these needs, wants, and motivations 
> might actually be what closes the space for participants (some or 
> all).
>  
> Years ago I was taught a big lesson. I facilitated an OST for about 
> 300 people, all of whom were on medications, all of whom had bipolar 
> disorder or schizophrenia. And all of whom were leaders in their 
> communities and incredible people. The side effects of the medications 
> and of their illnesses had an effect on all that happened in the 3 day 
> event. They found a way of working around it all to achieve what they 
> wanted to achieve. They were remarkable. I was deeply moved. At the 
> closing, I did something that I had learned from Harrison. After the 
> microphone had gone around the circle for comments, I had everyone 
> stand up and hold hands as the start of a closing to the event. We 
> then did a the exercise of paying attention to the energy inside of 
> the circle of us, and then turning 180 degrees to feel that energy at 
> our backs as we went out into the world. When it was all done, a woman 
> came up to me and in a rage said “Do not ever do that to another human 
> being again. I had had a wonderful time here until you asked us to 
> touch. And then it was destroyed for me. I cannot touch another 
> person. It is my story and it has roots in my childhood and in my 
> illness. By asking us to hold hands, I had a choice...to be part of 
> what the group was doing and feeling violated by it, or not 
> participating and feeling awful about that....neither option was okay 
> for me. YOU (and she shouted) have NO IDEA of what anyone’s personal 
> story is so you should never do this to a group again...to ask them to 
> hold hands. You just don’t know what is going on for someone and by 
> asking me to hold hands, you invaded my space.”
>  
> And since then, I have never asked people to touch.
>  
> Birgitt
>  
> -----Original Message-----
> From: OSLIST [mailto:OSLIST at LISTSERV.BOISESTATE.EDU] On Behalf Of Jack 
> Ricchiuto
> Sent: Saturday, March 04, 2006 12:03 PM
> To: OSLIST at LISTSERV.BOISESTATE.EDU
> Subject: Re: A Quiet Time
>  
> Thanks for the reflections on touching. For me, it’s part of a larger 
> conversation on quality of contact. It starts with presence to the 
> emotional experience of others — am I present to that? It continues 
> with eye contact, which for some people can be as connecting or 
> intrusive as touch and hugs. So, for me a question is, How do we touch 
> each other with eyes, words, hands in a way that opens the space?
>
>
>  Jack
>
>
>  __.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__.__
>
> jack ricchiuto
>  two.one.six/three.seven.three/seven.four.seven.five
>  www.designinglife.com / www.appreciativeleadership.com
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