AB (advanced butterfly). . . pain of exclusion

Tree Fitzpatrick tree.fitzpatrick at gmail.com
Thu Aug 17 08:01:14 PDT 2006


one more thought on exclusion in OS. . .

The people who are convening a private session need to be clear within
themselves.  Some of the pain of exclusion is rooted, I believe, in the
Advanced Butterfly's impulse to be secretive. . . this impulse might be
rooted in a desire to shield those who are excluded from pain. . . . but my
point, I think?, is that one should strive to not shield other's from pain.
.. trying to be secretive to spare another's feelings is, in a way,
hijacking that other person's exeprience.  The private session convenor can
and should only do what he/she feels called to do within her/himself. . .
s/he should not try to control the experience of others, including the
excluded.

On 8/17/06, Tree Fitzpatrick <tree.fitzpatrick at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> Reading Peggy's comments about my comments (we are such brilliant women,
> eh?!) leads me to talk a little bit more about my 'pain of exclusion'.
>
>
> Yes, I have been stung by the pain of exclusion, in OS and in life.  No, I
> do not like the sting.  Yes, I would prefer that no one ever make any
> choices that are not exactly the choices I wish them to make.  Here is a way
> to help me face the pain of exclusion if you are going to choose to exclude
> me:  be direct and honest with me, be loving to me as you are direct and
> honest.  If you love me, mention it when you are telling me you are not
> inviting me to a private session.  If you are organizing a secret, private
> session and you aren't even talking to me because you think I won't be hurt
> if I don't know, please think again.  I will feel the dissonant energy even
> if I do not consciously know you are excluding me. . . and I think most
> people feel this kind of dissonant energy (altho not everyone is as adept as
> I am at discerning it).  The impulse to shield me from my pain tends to hurt
> me more than the gift of loving honesty.
>
> Do not dishonor the people you are excluding by being secretive.  Be
> open.  Be, of course, kind and loving as you exclude.  "I am sorry, Tree,
> but I cannot invite you to this circle." is a lot easier for me to hear than
> to just be shut out without a word. I don't suggest that everyone should go
> around making a point of telling me about all the things at which I am not
> welcome. . . but if we are in the same energy field and you are excluding
> me, at least send me a love ray, a loving thought in my direction. Sending
> me a love ray as you exclude me would be a healing balm for the giver and
> the receiver, even if all of it is done silently or, even, unconsciously.
>
> I am now thinking about something that happened at the NCDD event.  I had
> met a new friend at another conference and was happy to see her again (she
> was presenter at NCDD).  I went out for a night on the town in San Francisco
> with a group of people and I had the impulse to invite my new friend.  Since
> I had not organized this party, I asked the person who had invited me if I
> could invite my new friend.  Yes, I was told, invite the new friend but
> don't invite . . . so-and-so.  The pain of exclusion.  My new friend
> declined my invitation because I could not invite her friend.  Ouch.
>
> We all know the pain of exclusion, as Peggy has indicated.  Perhaps it is
> an escapable fact of being human.  If it is an inescapable fact of being
> human, then, perhaps, it is alive -- and should be alive -- in OS.  There is
> a remedy to the pain of exclusion:  love.
>
> And, at least for me, honesty.  I am, more or less, a grown up.  I have to
> accept all kinds of things I would prefer not to accept in life.  I can
> accept exclusion: but it is much easier to accept it when it is done
> forthrightly and, whenever possible, with love.
>
> Say, I turned 53 yesterday.  I had one of the best birthdays of my life
> yesterday.  And I am being taken out to lunch today by another friend
> because I couldn't squeeze her in yesterday and then treated to some
> bodywork by another friend because she wanted to give it to me yesterday but
> I was all booked up.  And then on Friday. . . suffice it to say, I am not
> feeling excluded about anything this week.
>

*
*
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