Attachment and Detachment

Birgitt Williams birgitt at mindspring.com
Mon Sep 22 12:56:45 PDT 2003


Thanks for your posting, Julie. For me, love is a state of being and not an
emotion. And so, for me, detachment from emotional attachment to outcome, to
create the most space possible is 'detachment with love'.

Blessings to you and to all with whom you make Genuine Contact,

Birgitt

Birgitt Williams of Dalar International Consultancy
www.dalarinternational.com

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  -----Original Message-----
  From: OSLIST [mailto:OSLIST at LISTSERV.BOISESTATE.EDU]On Behalf Of Julie
Smith
  Sent: Monday, September 22, 2003 2:16 PM
  To: OSLIST at LISTSERV.BOISESTATE.EDU
  Subject: Attachment and Detachment


  Birgitt, you wrote



  Our Harmony Project was specifically a calling to those who work with
'opening space and holding space' to use their special gifts to assist in
holding space for opportunities for Harmony. And the challenge for those
hundreds of us who are now co-facilitating the holding of this space is to
do so by holding steady with emotional detachment no matter what is
happening in the world and to have NO attachment to outcome, just the same
as we teach with working with Open Space Technology. And that is hard, as
all those of you who facilitate OST meetings that you are inclined to feel
emotional about well know.



  Your thoughts about “emotional detachment no matter what” made me think of
my recent experience with youth during an OST event (where I was clearly not
emotionally detached), and also John’s recent post, where he said



  i appreciate what you are saying. i believe your words have great value.
but, there are many many things that i confront regularly that i cannot
appreciate, nor do i feel it appropriate to appreciate: torture and other
violations of human rights.



  fortunately, many of us enjoy a life where such terror is nothing more
than a distant grief. for all too many people, it is not distant at all.



  let us stay grounded in the reality of the whole and not of a certain
portion.



  I see the truth and wisdom of detachment, and have practiced “no
attachment to outcome” for many years.  I also recognize our need to give
and receive care and love, which I think is a form of attachment.  We are in
relationship with each other.  We care what happens to each other.  That is
not detachment.  So I find myself trying to find some resolution that honors
the truth being expressed in both points of view.



  I think the “no attachment to outcome” applies to the choices people make,
but not to the people themselves.  It applies to the behavior, not the
person.   That means I can begin to practice acceptance and non-judgment.
This is easier when I see behavior not as a reflection of the “goodness” or
“badness” of a person, but simply as a reflection of their current
understanding of the world, and therefore a reflection of their current
learning needs.



  I can see that our behaviors have consequences, and that we are all
constantly learning from every choice we make.  That learning is a very good
thing, and is perhaps the very reason for our being here.  I have no desire
to get in the way of our learning.  I believe we have as many lifetimes as
we need to learn what we came here to learn, so I am willing to accept even
the worst atrocities as an accurate reflection of the learning needs of
those who are involved.  I can also see that my current learning need is to
learn to transcend fear-based and non-loving responses.  When I look through
this lens, I can see that the harmful behavior of others provides me with
opportunities to practice loving response in all situations.  This is a
lesson I have not yet mastered.  So perhaps I feel some appreciation for the
lessons that are available to all of us in every kind of situation.



  At the same time, I cannot ignore my heart-felt desire for the good of
all.  I care.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  If there is some giving or
receiving that I can do that will help alleviate harm, or help myself and
others progress a little more quickly in our understanding of the world,
then I want to make that contribution.  I am not detached from helping.  If
I can, I want to help.  Sometimes I help with my silence, and sometimes with
my words.  Sometimes with my invisibility, and sometimes with my visibility.
If I can’t help, I want to do no harm to anyone, including those who are
inflicting harm on others.



  I find myself feeling very attached to our individual and collective
learning and growth.  I’m not concerned about the outcome because I think
that is a certainty, but I think it matters that I actively engage in the
learning process while I’m here.  I don’t think we’re supposed to detach
from that.  I think we’re supposed to detach from worldly desires, but not
from inner growth and understanding.



  For me, the important thing is the quality of acceptance and non-judgment.
To see our behavior as indicators of what we need to learn, not as a
reflection of our goodness or badness.  Always, always love the person.
Detach from judgment of outward behavior.  Don’t detach from the learning
and inner growth which leads to wisdom and truth.



  Back to yin and yang, I guess.  Attachment and detachment.   Speaking and
silence.  Visibility and invisibility.   Finding wholeness in the whole.



  This doesn’t feel complete, but I can’t quite capture whatever it is that
is missing, and the day calls ~



  Julie







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