Attachment and Detachment

[Winston Kinch]

Thank you Julie. As always, you go deep.

This question of  attachment/detachment or in the terms I usually think of
it, intentionality v/s letting go of outcome, is for me one of the most
perplexing and fascinating paradoxes I face. Perhaps, like paradoxes
everywhere, not to be resolved by trying to choose between or reconcile the
(apparent) opposites, but by trying to 'hold the tension' ... One nicity
which helps me is the distinction which (I believe) the Buddhists make
between attachment and desire: that it is not the desire itself which is
the cause of suffering but one's attachment to it...

Your post, and its rumination on learning, brought back to me this powerful
poem by Thich Nhat Hanh:

I am the twelve year old girl
refugee on a small boat
who throws herself in the ocean
after having been raped by a sea pirate
and I am the pirate,
my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.
Please call me by my true name
so I can wake up
and the door of my heart
can be left open,
the door to compassion.

Perhaps ol' St Augustine had it right after all:
"Love and do as you will".

With caring,
Winston

----- Original Message -----

From: Julie Smith
Sent: Monday, September 22, 2003 2:15 PM
Subject: Attachment and Detachment


Birgitt, you wrote

Our Harmony Project was specifically a calling to those who work with
'opening space and holding space' to use their special gifts to assist in
holding space for opportunities for Harmony. And the challenge for those
hundreds of us who are now co-facilitating the holding of this space is to
do so by holding steady with emotional detachment no matter what is
happening in the world and to have NO attachment to outcome, just the same
as we teach with working with Open Space Technology. And that is hard, as
all those of you who facilitate OST meetings that you are inclined to feel
emotional about well know.

Your thoughts about "emotional detachment no matter what" made me think of
my recent experience with youth during an OST event (where I was clearly
not emotionally detached), and also John's recent post, where he said

i appreciate what you are saying. i believe your words have great value.
but, there are many many things that i confront regularly that i cannot
appreciate, nor do i feel it appropriate to appreciate: torture and other
violations of human rights.

fortunately, many of us enjoy a life where such terror is nothing more than
a distant grief. for all too many people, it is not distant at all.

let us stay grounded in the reality of the whole and not of a certain
portion.

I see the truth and wisdom of detachment, and have practiced "no attachment
to outcome" for many years.  I also recognize our need to give and receive
care and love, which I think is a form of attachment.  We are in
relationship with each other.  We care what happens to each other.  That is
not detachment.  So I find myself trying to find some resolution that
honors the truth being expressed in both points of view.

I think the "no attachment to outcome" applies to the choices people make,
but not to the people themselves.  It applies to the behavior, not the
person.   That means I can begin to practice acceptance and non-judgment.
This is easier when I see behavior not as a reflection of the "goodness" or
"badness" of a person, but simply as a reflection of their current
understanding of the world, and therefore a reflection of their current
learning needs.

I can see that our behaviors have consequences, and that we are all
constantly learning from every choice we make.  That learning is a very
good thing, and is perhaps the very reason for our being here.  I have no
desire to get in the way of our learning.  I believe we have as many
lifetimes as we need to learn what we came here to learn, so I am willing
to accept even the worst atrocities as an accurate reflection of the
learning needs of those who are involved.  I can also see that my current
learning need is to learn to transcend fear-based and non-loving responses.
When I look through this lens, I can see that the harmful behavior of
others provides me with opportunities to practice loving response in all
situations.  This is a lesson I have not yet mastered.  So perhaps I feel
some appreciation for the lessons that are available to all of us in every
kind of situation.

At the same time, I cannot ignore my heart-felt desire for the good of all.
I care.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  If there is some giving or
receiving that I can do that will help alleviate harm, or help myself and
others progress a little more quickly in our understanding of the world,
then I want to make that contribution.  I am not detached from helping.  If
I can, I want to help.  Sometimes I help with my silence, and sometimes
with my words.  Sometimes with my invisibility, and sometimes with my
visibility.  If I can't help, I want to do no harm to anyone, including
those who are inflicting harm on others.

I find myself feeling very attached to our individual and collective
learning and growth.  I'm not concerned about the outcome because I think
that is a certainty, but I think it matters that I actively engage in the
learning process while I'm here.  I don't think we're supposed to detach
from that.  I think we're supposed to detach from worldly desires, but not
from inner growth and understanding.

For me, the important thing is the quality of acceptance and non-judgment.
To see our behavior as indicators of what we need to learn, not as a
reflection of our goodness or badness.  Always, always love the person.
Detach from judgment of outward behavior.  Don't detach from the learning
and inner growth which leads to wisdom and truth.

Back to yin and yang, I guess.  Attachment and detachment.   Speaking and
silence.  Visibility and invisibility.   Finding wholeness in the whole.

This doesn't feel complete, but I can't quite capture whatever it is that
is missing, and the day calls ~

Julie



* * ==========================================================
OSLIST at LISTSERV.BOISESTATE.EDU ----------------------------- To subscribe,
unsubscribe, change your options, view the archives of
oslist at listserv.boisestate.edu, Visit:
http://listserv.boisestate.edu/archives/oslist.html * *
==========================================================
OSLIST at LISTSERV.BOISESTATE.EDU ----------------------------- To subscribe,
unsubscribe, change your options, view the archives of
oslist at listserv.boisestate.edu, Visit:
http://listserv.boisestate.edu/archives/oslist.html

*
*
==========================================================
OSLIST at LISTSERV.BOISESTATE.EDU
------------------------------
To subscribe, unsubscribe, change your options,
view the archives of oslist at listserv.boisestate.edu,
Visit:

http://listserv.boisestate.edu/archives/oslist.html