grief cycle work

[Beverly McCarthy]

Hi Birgitt,

I really appreciate your e-mail. Thank you for your good thoughts and
insight.

Bev McCarthy

-----Original Message-----
From: Birgitt Williams <birgitt at MINDSPRING.COM>
To: OSLIST at LISTSERV.BOISESTATE.EDU <OSLIST at LISTSERV.BOISESTATE.EDU>
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000 10:31 PM
Subject: grief cycle work


>Hello friends,
>We have learned from Harrison (see his books) about the importance of grief
cycle work in organizations and why Open Space Technology works best at the
stages of the grief cycle after shock/anger/denial/memories and letting go.
Some of us prefer to call "letting go" "acceptance" and before the stage of
reframing for the new. Some of us learned about grief cycle work in
organizations when studying Levy's work on Organizational Transformation in
the early 80's including a paper called second order change.
>
>For me, this is why I often prefer to do a story telling evening to get at
the memory work before doing an Open Space Technology meeting about issues
and opportunities of the future ESPECIALLY if the OST meeting is only one
day or one 1/2 days. If people are in shock/anger/denial/memories it is
important to give this a venue, a time and space for the stories to do their
healing work. In a multi day OST, I don't worry about it because there is
the time to do the story-telling/memories work within the OST. As humans, we
need this healing before we can really focus on creative solutions for the
future.
>
>I wanted to share with you a point that I emphasize with all client groups
(and when I take groups through training intensives) that it is important to
pay attention to grief work FOLLOWING an OST meeting, within the ongoing
life of the organization. Even when the closing circle is excellent, full of
good comments, I have found that some of the people making the most happy
comments in the closing, within a few days are exactly the ones who do the
most behaviours that appear as resistance to change because they are in
GRIEF about leaving the old behind and making the changes to the new based
on what has come of the OST meeting, even if the changes are for the better,
for good. I suggest that you also might want to give this consideration and
alert your sponsors to this fact of grief at work FOLLOWING the OST meeting.
>
>Kindest regards from my time in Australia where we have finished one
learning journey about basics and are heading right into another one
focusing on the OS Organization. I look forward to seeing old friends,
including Brian Bainbridge and to hear him laugh.
>
>Following my signature are notes on grief cycle, quick notes in preparing a
paper --about grief cycle.
>
>Birgitt
>
>Grief and the Work of Mourning
>
>Grief Defined
>Grief is defined by the Oxford English Reference Dictionary as a deep or
intense sorrow or mourning.  Grief is not only one emotion.  It can be a
combination of sadness, self-pity, guilt over one's failures, both real and
imaginary, anger over the injustice of the loss, and fear of the unknown
future which we are now walking into alone.  It is commonly agreed that
there are three basic stages of grief - shock, suffering, and recovery - and
that none of these steps can be eliminated or avoided.  These three basic
stages have been broken down into other stages by many thanologists.  The
duration of each of these stages depends on a number of factors.  These
factors can include the nature of the grief, the character of the griever,
and the depth of deprivation caused by, or believed to be caused by, the
loss.  Grief typically lasts from a few weeks to a few months.  If, after
several months, the feelings of grief do not begin to dissipate, it is a
sign that the person who is gr!
> ie!
>!
>ving needs some professional help to deal with their grief.
>Grief and mourning, although usually paired together, are two different
things.  Grief is the complex amount of thoughts and emotions that a person
thinks and feels after a loss.  Mourning is the attempt to deal with these
thoughts and emotions.
>Grief does not only occur upon the death of a loved one. We grieve whenever
we experience a deep, wrenching loss.  This loss can come through the loss
of a loved one through death, divorce, or separation.  It can occur after
the severance of any close emotional relationship.  Grief can also occur
when a person's purpose in life is destroyed, either through retirement or
unemployment.  Moving to a strange city can also cause grief, especially in
young children.  Grief can also occur after the loss of a prized possession.
This can include houses, cars, artwork, or large amounts of money.
Basically, grief occurs after any separation from something or someone that
is deeply loved or is a major factor in our lives.
>Shock, the first stage of grief, occurs immediately after the loss.  Shock
occurs because the human mind cannot accept the loss immediately.  This
stage usually only lasts a few hours to a few days.  Once the shock has worn
off, a person begins the stage of suffering.  It is during this time that
most of the 'work of mourning' is done.  It is during this stage that a
person comes to terms with his or her loss.  Once a person comes to terms
with his or her loss, the recovery can begin.  It is in this stage that a
person admits their loss and begins to make new life plans without the
person or thing that they have lost.
>Over the last century many studies have been conducted and much has been
written about grief and the work of mourning.  Freud began to publish his
thoughts on grief as early as 1915, after observing the widespread grief
after WWI.  He believed that grief is the means by which the energy that
tied the individual to the object of his or her love is progressively
withdrawn.
>John Bowlby sees human beings as having a working model of the world in
their minds.  This model is derived and altered by life experiences.  He
observed that people strive to keep close to them those people and objects
that they care for.  When separation occurs, it triggers behavior patterns
that are designed to bring about reunion.  Although useless, these behavior
patterns are triggered by death or other permanent separations.
>C. Murray Parkes believes that grief is a process of realization.  Grief
makes real inside oneself an event that has already occurred.  He believes
that the repeated awareness of discrepancies between the outer and inner
representations of the world account for the feeling of frustration that is
often felt as part of grief.  The repeat of this feeling of frustration
eventually leads to the inner acceptance of the loss that has occurred on
the outside.
>It is interesting to note that the basic feelings and reactions of grief
are prevalent throughout all cultures.  All people experience the same
sensations, regardless of race or religion.  It is also interesting that
since the dawn of man we have held ceremonies to honor the passing of our
loved ones.  These ceremonies are as much about honoring the deceased as
they are about helping those who are left behind to have closure and to
begin the grief work.
>
>The Work of Mourning
>Although the basic nature of grief and the basic stages of the grief work
can be agreed upon, there are many different interpretations to the
different parts of the grief work.  There seem to be five major viewpoints
on the cycles of grief work.
>The most highly regarded opinions were published by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
in 1960.  Her work is still used as mandatory reading for many medical
professions and other professions in which a person may come into contact
with those who are grieving.  Kubler-Ross defines the grief cycle in five
stages: shock and denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
>Erich Lindemann defines the grief process in three stages: shock and
disbelief, acute mourning, and resolution.  Lindemann recognized that the
first phase of grief is shock and disbelief.  This feeling of numbness lasts
anywhere from a few hours to a few days in normal grief work.  It is a stage
in which a person does not yet comprehend the fact that a loss has occurred.
When a person dies, the close family is often moved out of this stage by the
need for funeral arrangements.  Acute mourning follows shock.  During this
phase a person feels deep despair and depression.  Finally, Lindemann
describes the stage of resolution.  At this stage, a person has come to
terms with the fact that a loss has occurred and begins to move on with
restructuring their lives without the object or person that has been lost.
>John Bowlby described three phases: the urge to recover the lost object,
disorganization and despair, and reorganization.  He developed this
observation based on his observations on how people understand the outside
world.  Bowlby, as described above, believed that each individual had a
working model of how s/he perceived the world around them.  This model was
constantly growing and changing as new experiences happened.  Bowlby
believed that when a person experiences great loss their immediate reaction
is to try to recover the object that they had lost.  After this period of
searching the person comes to the realization that they cannot find the
object they seek.  This begins the period of disorganization and despair.
During this time a person feels great despair because of the recognized
loss.  They also feel disorganization because the working model in their
head no longer matches the outside world.  During this period, a person must
reconfigure the model to compensate fo!
> r !
>!
>their loss.  Once this has been completed, the person begins the phase of
reorganization.  This involves reorganizing their life and inner working
model to function normally without the person or object they had lost.
>Colin Murray Parkes modified Bowlby's description by describing four phases
of the grief cycle.  These included numbness, yearning and searching,
disorganization and despair, and reorganization.  This model differs only by
adding a new first stage to the grief work.  This stage of numbness is the
initial shock and often disbelief that the loss has occurred.  Bowlby would
later come to agree with this description and modify his own teachings and
writings.
>George Engel believed in a six stage grief process, including shock and
disbelief, development of awareness, restitution, resolution of the loss,
idealization, and outcome.
>Although there are many different models of the grief cycle, there is a
definite pattern between them.  All modes tell us that when one grieves,
they are first hit hard by the grief.  This initial stage can be described
as shock, disbelief, longing, preoccupation with the deceased and acute
awareness of sights, sounds, or smells that call the person to mind,
yearning and searching, numbness, withdrawal in defense, and denial.
>Each model continues to tell us that after this initial shock one is fully
immersed in their grief in a very intense and often nearly overwhelmingly
painful way.  In this phase one is thrown into the full force of bereavement
as manifested by somatic distress , symptoms like those experiences by the
deceased, restlessness, and irritability.  Acute and intense emotions such
as sadness, depression, anxiety, despair, helplessness, anger, frustration,
and guilt can be experienced.  Some people cling to idealizations of the
deceased. One can lose motivation for daily life and experience the
breakdown of familiar behavior patterns.  One can also choose to become
isolated from others and can try, but fail, to negotiate with others
(including God) to bring back the lost person or object.  One may also
experience purposelessness and hopelessness.
>Eventually a new balance of living is found and one begins to rebuild and
move on with their lives.  This includes subsiding somatic effects,
reduction in the intensity of emotions and preoccupation with the deceased.
One begins to reestablish social contact and to adopt new roles and skills
as required by the loss.  One is able to remember the deceased or lost
object without pain and begins to loosen the ties to them.  One feels
restored to daily purpose and hopefulness.
>One does not automatically flow through the stages of grief.  We must work
through them and there is often overlap as one moves through the stages.
Each person does not grieve in exactly the same manner.  Everyone will work
through things differently, and on their own schedule.  These models only
show that each of us goes through the same predictable sequence of feelings
and events during the grief cycle.
>Recent works have suggested that the grief process is never truly over.
These works suggest that although the pangs of grief lessen and can become
brief thoughts about the person or object and become less frequent, perhaps
only once or twice a year, we never wholly accept and overcome the loss.
>
>The First Years of Bereavment
>Ira O. Glick, Robert S. Weiss, C. Murray Parkes
>New York, A Wiley-Interscience publication, 1974
>
>Attachment & Loss: Volume 3 Loss: Sadness & Depression
>John Bowlby
>London, England, Random House, 1998
>
>Working It Through: An Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Workshop on Life, Death, &
Transition
>Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
>New York, Macmillan Publishing Co, 1982
>
>Facing Death & Grief: A Sensible Perspective for the Modern Person
>George N. Marshall
>New York, Prometheus Books, 1981
>
>How We Grieve: Relearning the World
>Thomas Attig
>New York, Oxford University Press, 1996
>
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