more humour?

[Birgitt Bolton]

Okay, I think it is because I live in Canada and this is the worst possible
time of year here. Winter hangs on and on. It is cold one day, snow
flurries--and then the next the spring buds are out,only to be covered by
snow again.It-s that time that we believe spring will come, but it never
quite makes it, causing us to believe the winter will go on forever. No
surcease. In fact, the highest number of suicides happen, we as a society
suffer from that depression that occurs when we don't get enough sun and so
on.And this of course gets made worse when Brian reports from Australia
about the heat there and Barry informs from Nashville that it is 70
degrees.I of course tried resorting to going to a tanning salon for a few
minutes of warmth and fake sunshine a week. They refer to it as
heliotherapy. And then of course my next step is to gather my young people
up for a southern vacation in a few weeks when they have "march break". And
to see real sun.

Anyhow that is by way of a preamble as to why I have resorted to sending
humour along. Very critical to the psyche here at this time of year :-). A
way of surviving the extended Canadian winter. So here is another. Hope it
makes you smile. It has nothing to do with open space, except to tie in to
the fact that Barry has us sending him information through his virtual
office which requires a very "simple" process of downloading "simple"
software :-)

Subject:        Fw: How To Install Software

>
>How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program
>by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace."
>
>
>  1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
>that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the softwa
re.
>It should look something like this:
>
>            SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
>            2/386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
>            628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
>            719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
>            3546 MB RAM
>            432323 MB ROM
>            05948737 MB RPM
>            ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
>            2 TURTLE DOVES
>
>            NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
>
>  2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain
>detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
>software. Throw it away.
>
>  3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
>3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
>that says:
>
>     LICENSING AGREEMENT:
> By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
> the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
> reads,as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret
> Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and
> suchother terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software
> Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right
> to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well
as
> the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave
> it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's
> early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've
> been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
>
>  4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
> child), please install this on my computer."
>
>  5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
> appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
>
>  6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
>
>  7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
>
>  8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
which
> the following message should appear on your screen:
>
>            The Installation Program will now examine your system
>            to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable.
Is
>            it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
>
> + ------- + + -------- +
> |   YES   | |   SURE   |
> + ------- + + -------- +
>
>  9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
>for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what
>in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
>structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed
>into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.. At the very
>least, the installation program will create many new directories,
>sub-directories, sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them
>with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe",
>"fester.dat", and "doo.wha".
>
> 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
>display the following message:
>
> CONGRATULATIONS
>
> The installation program cannot think of anything else to
> do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now
> attempt to run your software. If you experience any
> problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
> breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you
> should immediat&%^ *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
>
> 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
>than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
>furniture.
>
> 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
>package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
>you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
through
>12.
>
>