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<title>Re: opening space to save the ferries</title>
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<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-size:
10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>I was having a parallel dialogue with Lisa
Heft about my first open space experience in Turkey and she offered some wisdom
that I would like to share with you…through our dialogue Lisa saw the
real reason of my frustration and urged me to share this with the list…<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-size:
10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>Although Lisa’s message explains is
quite well, what I wanted to offer to the center is that my desperation at some
moments was about the lack of respect, not being able to listen to each other
and concentrate on being together…it wasn’t so much about the lack
of action at the end…and in fact there was action! </span></font><font
size=2 color=navy face=Wingdings><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:
Wingdings;mso-ascii-font-family:Arial;mso-hansi-font-family:Arial;mso-bidi-font-family:
Arial;color:navy;mso-char-type:symbol;mso-symbol-font-family:Wingdings'><span
style='mso-char-type:symbol;mso-symbol-font-family:Wingdings'>J</span></span></font><font
size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;
color:navy'> <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-size:
10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>Of course, the story is told through my
filters, expectations and perception…<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-size:
10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-size:
10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>thank you dear Lisa and thank you all who
responded my plea and also held space for me…I know that I need to be
reminded of the wonderful principles of OS every once in a while…<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-size:
10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-size:
10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
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<div>
<p class=MsoNormal><em><b><i style='mso-ansi-font-style:normal'><font size=4
color=purple face="Rage Italic"><span style='font-size:14.0pt;font-family:"Rage Italic";
mso-bidi-font-family:Vrinda;color:purple;font-weight:bold;font-style:normal;
mso-bidi-font-style:italic;mso-no-proof:yes'>f i l i z</span></font></i></b></em><em><b><i><font
size=4 color=purple face=Pristina><span style='font-size:14.0pt;font-family:
Pristina;mso-bidi-font-family:Vrinda;color:purple;font-weight:bold;mso-no-proof:
yes'> </span></font></i></b></em><b><i><font size=4 color=purple face=Pristina><span
style='font-size:14.0pt;font-family:Pristina;mso-bidi-font-family:Vrinda;
color:purple;font-weight:bold;font-style:italic;mso-no-proof:yes'><br>
</span></font></i></b><font size=2 color=navy face="MS Serif"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"MS Serif";mso-bidi-font-family:Arial;
color:navy;mso-no-proof:yes'>approach love and cooking with reckless abundance!<br>
</span></font><font color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-family:Arial;
color:navy;mso-no-proof:yes'><a href="http://www.barakam.blogspot.com/"><font
size=2><span style='font-size:10.0pt'>www.barakam.blogspot.com</span></font></a><br>
<a href="http://www.bugday.org/"><font size=2><span style='font-size:10.0pt'>www.bugday.org</span></font></a></span></font><font
size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;
color:navy;mso-no-proof:yes'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
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<div>
<div class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'><font size=3
face="Times New Roman"><span lang=TR style='font-size:12.0pt;mso-ansi-language:
TR'>
<hr size=2 width="100%" align=center tabindex=-1>
</span></font></div>
<p class=MsoNormal><b><font size=2 face=Tahoma><span lang=TR style='font-size:
10.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;mso-ansi-language:TR;font-weight:bold'>Kimden:</span></font></b><font
size=2 face=Tahoma><span lang=TR style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;
mso-ansi-language:TR'> Lisa Heft [mailto:<st1:PersonName w:st="on">lisaheft@openingspace.net</st1:PersonName>]
<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>Tarih:</span></b> Monday, March 06, 2006
19:15<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>Kime:</span></b> 'Filiz Telek'; 'Maria
Scordialos'; 'Sarah Whiteley'; 'Toke Paludan M ø ller'; 'Tim Merry';
chris@chriscorrigan.com; judir@accesswave.ca<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>Bilgi:</span></b> 'Funda Oral'<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>Konu:</span></b> RE: opening space to save
the ferries</span></font><span lang=TR style='mso-ansi-language:TR'><o:p></o:p></span></p>
</div>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=3 face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>Hi, dear
fabulous Filiz –</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>It seems that this
is really the difference – not the action items (as I’m hearing on
the OSLIST and in our exchanges here that there was energy around some actions
etc.) – I’m hearing another thing here than what you are sharing on
the OSLIST – your frustration with people not listening, with feeling
they are disrespectful (to each other perhaps and to whomever’s
‘got the floor’ and is talking at the time, including you), people
complaining, and so on. As a pattern (not just related to the ferries
event).</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>I am hearing
people on OSLIST counsel you about letting go attachment to outcome for this
particular event, as did I – but I am hearing also that you know that and
are present with that – what you are really feeling is irritation that
doesn’t feel to me like Law of Two Feet stuff but what you see as ongoing
disrespectful interchange (non-verbal and verbal). Yes? If so, you
might want to share *<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>that</span></b>* aspect
of your observations with the OSLIST folks.</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>That would
really make me crazy. I mean, I’m pretty good a breathing through my own
attachments (I can still feel them and honor them but breathing through them
helps me not engage about them and believe the group’s taking care of
their needs and so on). But it’s hard for me when I perceive people
are just being babies with each other and disrespecting each other or me.
I know enough to hang in there and deal with those feelings post-event, but
still it’s hard. </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>And if I were
experiencing that as an overall flavor of a series of events I was facilitating
or other experiences I continuously have in communities and organizations, as I
hear you are experiencing, it would really make me question my work with that
community and my interest in continuing to engage in that community.
I’d question if it’s my projection or if they are just all being
babies anyway. I’d question whether it is gender or age disrespect,
though I have to really be banged on the head with that one to assume it
– I would refuse to automatically assume it or ‘buy into’
it. Ultimately, I’d wonder if I needed to fight that battle and
whether I’d need to go where I felt safe and respected (such as working
more with youth or women or wherever I felt safer). Instead of waiting
for society to change, I might say ‘gee you know I am tired of waiting
for you to be respectful, tired of soaking up all that negative energy, and
I’ll now go where my energies are more appreciated’. I might
have to go work where I can most thrive.</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>This has not
happened to me as a facilitator, so I am imagining what I might feel.</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>But it HAS
happened to me as an individual in a minority. As an individual in a
minority (culture, whether people can tell that by looking at me or not), I
know how sometimes you want to fight the battles / be the model for change / be
the teacher / speak out…and sometimes you just say ‘I am tired of
always being in this role – you teach your own darn selves – I am
tired and you’re going to have to learn it for yourselves!’.
I know how hard it can be and how you have to step in and out of that
community/role/environment to stay healthy, and only go back into it / the
fight when you feel replenished and ready again.</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>So I
don’t know if this is how you are feeling as a woman or a younger person
or whatever in your community /society, but I just offer it as a possibility /
question to you.</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>As this aspect
has not been discussed about your story on the OSLIST, feel free to copy my
email to the list if you want to engage that community in this aspect of the
conversation. Feel free not to. You know me – whatever you
like.</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>Looking forward
to your thoughts,</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'>Lisa</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=black face="Trebuchet MS"><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";color:black'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 face=Tahoma><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Tahoma'>-----Original Message-----<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>From:</span></b> Filiz Telek
[mailto:filiz@bugday.org] <br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>Sent:</span></b> Sunday, March 05, 2006 11:48
PM<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>To:</span></b> <st1:PersonName w:st="on">lisaheft@openingspace.net</st1:PersonName>;
'Maria Scordialos'; 'Sarah Whiteley'; 'Toke Paludan M ø ller'; 'Tim Merry';
chris@chriscorrigan.com; judir@accesswave.ca<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>Cc:</span></b> 'Funda Oral'<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>Subject:</span></b> YNT: opening space to
save the ferries</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=3
face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:12.0pt'> <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>Dear
Lisa…</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>Lots of
invaluable thoughts, thank you…reading your words made certain things
more clear to me…</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>Was I
attached to outcome? Yes I was. I wanted it to be a successful meeting in my
terms; I had expectations of course…</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>What
frustrates me is not that the group did not come up with enough actions, or
with particular actions I was hoping they would come up with. In fact, as Funda
says, there were outcomes, the group produced something.</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>What
frustrates me is that people do not listen to each other. People don’t
respect each other. People are not able to follow simplest instructions. I felt
like I was working with 5 year olds. I suspect it might have been easier with
the kids. How difficult is it to listen and not to leave the room when someone
is talking in the circle? I have been dealing with this since I moved here,
people do not listen. A participant today was suggesting that we add a new
principle to OS which is “people will do whatever they want to do
anyway”</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>Does
that give you an idea?</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>So then
what am I doing there inviting them to a certain process if they will wonder
off as they please only to complain at the end, oh what kind of useless meeting
was that? </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>I really
feel desperate in those moments when everyone just wants to hear their own
voice and do what they think is right to do…HOW am I supposed to
facilitate then? I don’t know. Because whatever I suggest, majority
doesn’t listen anyway. Is it best just to walk away then? </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>As you
can imagine this isn’t only about today. This has been my experience in
any group I found myself in the last two months and I already feel tired. No
one says it’s going to be easy in the beginning, but at this point I
don’t see how I work in these conditions preserving my wellbeing. I am
yet to figure that out…</span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'>Thank
you for your support, and I too think we are amazing! </span></font><font
size=2 color=navy face=Wingdings><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:
Wingdings;color:navy'>J</span></font><font size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:36.0pt'><font size=2 color=navy
face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:navy'> </span></font><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0cm;margin-right:0cm;margin-bottom:
12.0pt;margin-left:72.0pt'><em><b><i style='mso-ansi-font-style:normal;
mso-bidi-font-style:normal'><font size=4 color=purple face="Rage Italic"><span
style='font-size:14.0pt;font-family:"Rage Italic";color:purple;font-weight:
bold;font-style:normal'>f i l i z</span></font></i></b></em><em><b><i><font
size=4 color=purple face=Pristina><span style='font-size:14.0pt;font-family:
Pristina;color:purple;font-weight:bold'> </span></font></i></b></em><o:p></o:p></p>
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