Nonviolent communication; facilitating around terror

[Jeff Aitken]

I want to post these two pieces to the oslist again. I received and posted
them in September of 2001.  -- Jeff

---------------------

from Marshall Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication (forwarded by Tom
Atlee)

"Murderer!", "Assassin", "Child-killer!", "Murderer!"

I [Marshall Rosenberg] was presenting Nonviolent Communication in a mosque
at Deheisha Refugee Camp in Bethlehem to about 170 Palestinian Moslem men.
Attitudes toward Americans at that time were not favorable. As I was
speaking, I suddenly noticed a wave of muffled commotion fluttering through
the audience. "They're whispering that you are American!" my translator
alerted me, just as a gentleman in the audience leapt to his feet. Facing
me squarely, he hollered at the top of his lungs, "Murderer!" Immediately a
dozen other voices joined him in chorus: "Assassin!" "Child-killer!"
"Murderer!"

Fortunately, I was able to focus my attention on what the man was feeling
and needing. In this case, I had some cues. On the way into the refugee
camp, I had seen several empty tear gas canisters that had been shot into
the camp the night before. Clearly marked on each canister were the words
"Made in U.S.A."  I knew that the refugees harbored a lot of anger toward
the U.S. for supplying tear gas and other weapons to Israel.

    I addressed the man who had called me a murderer:

       I: Are you angry because you would like my government to use its
resources differently? (I didn't know whether my guess was correct, but
what is critical is my sincere effort to connect with his feeling and need.)

       He: Damn right I'm angry! You think we need tear gas? We need
sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!

       I: So you're furious and would appreciate some support in improving
your living conditions and gaining political independence?

       He: Do you know what it's like to live here for twenty-seven years
the way I have with my family-children and all? Have you got the faintest
idea what that's been like for us?

       I: Sounds like you're feeling very desperate and you're wondering
whether I or anybody else can really understand what it's like to be living
under these conditions.

       He: You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they
go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open
sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school that has no
books?

       I: I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here;
you'd like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their
children-a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy
environment...

       He: That's right, the basics! Human rights-isn't that what you
Americans call it?  ** Why don't more of you come here and see what kind of
human rights you're bringing here! **

       I: You'd like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the
suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences of our political
actions?

    Our dialogue continued, with him expressing his pain for nearly twenty
more minutes, and I listening for the feeling and need behind each
statement. I didn't agree or disagree. I received his words, not as
attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and
deep vulnerabilities with me.

    Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I
explained my purpose for being at the camp [to give a training in
Nonviolent Communication].  An hour later, the same man who had called me a
murderer was inviting me to his home for a Ramadan dinner.

(Center for Nonviolent Communication:  www.cnvc.org)
May we listen, live and grow

------------------

This is from Arnold Mindell, in his book Sitting In the Fire (Lao Tse
Press, Oregon, 1995). -- Jeff

"(T)errorists are just people. They are neither insane nor
psychotic....(W)omen and men tell stories about their families who have
been so injured that honor demands retaliation...

"People who have become addicted to violence as a means of correcting
injustices are more flexible than the media would allow us to believe. They
can change rapidly. Everyone can potentially change - even those who block
awareness of their mainstream power. Wherever there are people, change is
possible.

"A Belfast man told the seminar participants how he had become a terrorist.
When he was a boy, he saw two British secret service agents shoot his
father in the head. He went with his father in the ambulance to the
hospital. His father leaned towards him and whispered, 'forgive the
killers.'

"But he couldn't. All he wanted was to retaliate for his father's murder.
He swore to devote his life to seeking revenge. He joined a terrorist group.

"A priest in our group was amazed and shocked to hear such vengefulness.
After discussing the situation, the priest opened up to the other man's
desire for revenge. As the priest changed, suspending his own judgements,
he became compassionate toward the terrorist. Then the terrorist changed,
too. He admitted he did not want to kill anymore. He would be happier
teaching kids how to resolve problems in other ways. We all sat there
astonished. The fluidity and generosity of the priest had enabled the
transition...

"Your group, indeed our whole world, stands or falls depending upon how you
and the rest of us deal with terrorism in ourselves and others. As you
facilitate, you have an opportunity to model coping with violent tension.
You are perceived as an authority and you are vulnerable to attack. Can you
embrace the terrorist? It's not easy, but if you remember your own freedom
fights, it's also not hard."

*
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