F i v e

[Laurel and Rick]

 My first day back on the list, and the first posting I read brings me to
tears.  Thanks, Lisa, my dear friend.  Jeff, I loved the "busful of bozos".

After a rough December, I'm back up, on-line and eager to get jazzin' on
some Open Space talk!  But first, I want to let you all know, once again,
how much your warm support and kind words have meant to me and to Rick over
the past months.  This community is amazing.

I'll bring you up to date on my journey, so those who don't know me might
not want to read any further . . . and please forgive this bit of personal
stuff on the list.  (And talking about journeys, did Nuran make it back to
Berlin safe and sound, or is she still wandering the open spaces of this
continent?)

I'm very isolated physically right now, as my neutraphils (a type of white
blood cell) went down to almost zero after my December chemo.  The "neuts"
recovered only to the point they needed to be in order to allow the January
chemo to proceed . . . still significantly below normal.  Of course that
means that I went into the last chemo with compromised immunity - and now
the drugs are busy killing white cells again.  Long story short, I'm
supposed to lay low and avoid contact (a bit like the Seinfeld "bubble
boy"), so I'm thrilled to have my computer connected at long last.

I've turned into a Rennaissance painting!  Picture this: an extra thirty
pounds adorns my thighs and torso, my eyes are Mona Lisa-esque  (read that
"no lashes or brows") - the only thing missing is the long, flowing tresses.
I do, however, have a very short, snappy wig interwoven with a passle of
white hairs - it's quite a good rug, but ITCHY.  I'm still quite startled
every time I inadvertently glance into a mirror.

Emotionally, I'm up and down.  Despite poking fun at my changed appearance,
I find it distressing.  I'm surprised to learn that I had set so much store
by looking like my "self".  I still feel like the same me, though I barely
recognize the woman in the mirror.  Interesting.

I guess the biggest challenge is to know how to proceed with my life.  Do I
throw all caution to the wind and live like there's no tomorrow?  (Lisa can
tell you heartbreaking stories about the many HIV folk who did just that and
are now left destitute, having spent all their money because they didn't
expect to survive for long.)  Or do I continue with the status quo and
expect the best?  I'm trying to find the happy medium.

Rick and I are planning a trip to France to celebrate the end of my chemo.
That's one of the compromises - can't afford it, but don't think I'll regret
it!  I've been advised to plan any big trips sooner than later.  This
disease is just so unpredictable in terms of recurrence.  So making it to
OSonOSinOZ is pretty up-in-the-air.  :-(

I'd love to hear from friends on the list to my personal email address (it's
new: Laurick at telus.net). Please don't clog our common cyber-playground with
personal replies to the list - I DON'T want to be responsible for THAT !!!!
;-)

BIG HUGS,

Laurel.

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