Notice of Revocation of Independence (a joke)
Artur F. Silva
artsilva at mail.eunet.pt
Sat Nov 18 08:06:37 PST 2000
[Note to our american friends: please note that this is only a joke, that
I received from a portuguese speaking list, where it was posted by a brasilian
subscriber, and find interesting to redistribut here, as it relates to other
questions under discussin. I have no intention of offending any american
citizen; to further show my own ignorance, can any one please tell me
where is Utah? Regards - Artur]
> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United
> States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of
> the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> revocation of your independence, effective today.
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
> over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
> which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony
> Blair, MP -
> for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
> world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without
> the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
> disbanded.
> A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
> you noticed.
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
> amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
> should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
> Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
> "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> communication.
> Look up "interspersed".
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
> know on your behalf.
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
> accents. It really isn't that hard.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> the good guys.
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
> Queen",but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
> to get confused and give up half way through.
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
> kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
> good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
> your
> borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
> You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
> football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
> a
> difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
> to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
> involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
> body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
> rugby
> sevens side by 2005.
>
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
> if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
> there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
> The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
> new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
> "Indecisive Day".
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
> we mean.
>
> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
> Thank you for your cooperation.
*
*
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